I’m 24, my partner is 43. Been together for three years. Together, we’ve moved three times, changed jobs, dealt with medical issues, dealt with financial problems, grieved the deaths of people closest to us, and had two children.
We’re a real, “valid” couple. The 19-year age gap is a non-issue.
Is it an easy road? No… it probably would have been much simpler to “find someone closer to my age.” But… for whatever reason, we GET each other. We have an understanding and respect for each other that neither of us have ever found in anyone else. Did I intend on finding an older man? Was that my “type?” Not in the slightest, but he was the lone exception.
I hate the answers that assume I’m looking for “security” and he wants some young thing. Truth is, he’s in better shape than me (more conventionally “attractive”), and he works an unstable job that brings him immense satisfaction (he isn’t my “sugar daddy”). We split bills equally. We split childcare equally. He isn’t my daddy and I’m not his “trophy wife.” There’s no power imbalance. I’d never been with anyone that much older prior to him, and he’d never been with anyone that much younger prior to me. We are simply two people who get along very well, and that’s all there is to it.
Honestly, despite the age gap, we were at similar crossroads in life. He had never been married and had no children, but always wanted them. I’ve always wanted them, and wanted them early in life. Similarly, he’d recently quit a high-paying job to follow a passion, rebuilding his work life from the ground up, and I was about to graduate college and start a career completely from scratch. I credit our success, much like the success of any new relationship, to these things… being at similar (though not the same) places in life, with compatible goals going forward.
Age gaps are doable. There may be some judgement. And you really have to look introspectively to make sure your motives are pure. When we started dating, I underwent HEAVY self-analysis to make sure I wasn’t seeking a “daddy figure.” When I felt confident with my motives, we just… did it.
We rarely feel age. It occasionally comes up when he references a political/social/pop culture event that precedes my time, or if I think about the statistical likelihood of him getting sick and/or dying before me. The latter breaks my heart. But it’s not a big enough reason to let go of a really good relationship.
I’m not claiming age is just a number. To me, it’s at best warning flag. If you’re interested in someone 20 years younger, be careful, but don’t discount it. He, and our children, are the BEST things that have ever happened to me. Go for it, be respectful, careful, and mature, and you may find something amazing.
** 6 Years Later **
I’ve spent the last 6 years logging into Quora twice a year, awestruck by how popular this one answer from late 2017 remains. I’m grateful, and stunned, by the number of comments that support us. Thank you.
And to those who are curious, the answer is yes… we are still together. And still very much in love.
He is currently putting our three children to sleep, reading the bedtime stories, playing the bedtime songs, while I languish in bed, sick. He’s spent the week running around, gathering me food and medicine, and keeping the kids away so I can recover in peace.
Together, we are running our household… configuring everyone’s appointments, going to the school events, paying the bills, dealing with family drama, etc. In the last six years, there have been additional job losses, deep economic struggles, serious health concerns… hell, an entire global pandemic where we were quarantined alone with two preschool-aged children. More has happened in the last 6 years than I could ever have predicted in 2017, and there have been moments where I wasn’t sure we’d make it.
And yet…
He’s my person. He’s my ally. He’s the person who can read my mind from the slightest twitch in my face. He’s the one I run to for advice, for comfort, to share excitement.
We say the same words at the same time, finishing each other’s sentences, matching inflection before we’re even aware it’s happening. We have almost a decade’s worth of inside jokes that when we’re alone… we basically speak our own language, unintelligible to others.
It will be nine years together next month. The love hasn’t dwindled. And none of it: the good, the bad, the ugly, has anything to do with the age gap.
A couple points from comments that I feel are worth addressing:
- People want to say that I’ll feel differently in 20 years, when I’m 50 and he’s 69, dealing with “old man health problems.” Maybe I will. But I’ll take “old man health problems” over the myriad of things I’ve watched friends and family struggle and/or die of at much younger ages. I’m not a stranger to hospice care or chronic health conditions, and I’ve watched people be caretakers. It sucks. But, it’s neither impossible, nor guaranteed. Old age isn’t inevitable. If he makes it to 69 and/or beyond and we’re both still kickin’, that’s a gift, “old man health problems,” chronic disease, hospice care, or not.
- Introducing him to friends and family was a mixed bag: friends on both sides were always supportive (found out later that they picked up on “vibes” between us before we even did). His family accepted me from day 1 (but were slightly surprised that I stuck around). My family was… agitated. Some were downright hateful. I spent most of the first year tiptoeing around the issue. I did not lie or deny his existence, but I did not actively bring him up in conversation. Internally, I stayed resolute… trusting my own decision-making and trying to give it time. It was extremely difficult and painful, but it worked. After 6 months, there was softening. After 1 year, he was accepted and supported. After 2 years, he was actively loved and embraced.
- “Wasting my youth.” Meh. He is very… satisfying: intellectually, physically, and otherwise. I’ve had a fabulous youth. He’s been a significant part of that.
Ultimately, my answer from 2017 still stands. If nine years, three children, and all the love, concern, petty arguments, shared responsibilities, and nights spent on the couch binge watching Netflix don’t make us “real, valid couple,” then I’m not sure anything can.